Orion's Universe

I’ll get right to the answer.  It’s watching someone else pass away.  Slowly.  Painfully.

My Mother in Law is lying in a hospital bed and things will never get better.  I’ve finally come to terms with that — I think.  Ok, no I haven’t.  I have, since this all started again two months ago, determined that this sucks.  It sucks hard.

As I sit in her room wearing my required mask, gloves, and paper gown I’m trying to reconcile the person in the bed with the strong woman who is quite possibly the greatest Mother in Law a person could ever have.  A tremendous champion of family and friend alike.  Hell, even her critifcisms are hidden gems of encouragement and self improvement.

This is the same woman?  When I snuck away from my girlfriend, drove over two hours to ask for her father’s permission to marry his daughter she walked back in the room, heard the ‘announcement’ and her first words were, “Don’t I have a say?” and proceeded to as me a slew of questions every one of which meant to make sure I knew what I was doing and that I was right for her daughter.

To any and everyone that has gone through this before that I may have said something along the lines of, “I’m so sorry.  I lost my Grandfather.  I know how hard this must be for you.” please now accept my apologies.  I see now that I must have come off as a total ass.  There is nothing in the world like this.  Nothing. This great lady was dancing around the house just a few months ago.  She had my two girls for over a month just this past summer along with other grandchildren at the same time and kept up with them all just fine.  Now here she is barely able to move more than her arms.  Now we’re discussing with doctor and staff nursing home options where the goal is comfort and quality of life versus treatment and recovery.

Comfort?  Quality of life?  How is this every going to be possible?  Who are we kidding? She’s been in the hosiptal bouncing in and out of the ICU unit for the better part of a month now.  No one deserves this as the final chapter of a great life.  No one.  Recent spinal surgery didn’t work.  Now the wound refuses to close.  What? Mcrcer infection now too?  Come on!!  Really?  Cancer wasn’t enough?

And to top it off, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

Everyone is doing any and everything to keep busy.  Anything to give us something more to think about aside from Mom dying from cancer.  It’s the most we can do.  It’s impossible not to think about what’s happening to Mom.

I’m doing the dishes — Mom’s dying from cancer.

I’ll take the kids to the store — Mom’s dying from cancer.

I’ve got a client meeting at 3 — Mom’s dying from cancer.

Let me work on dinner — Mom’s dying from cancer.

Happy Thanksgiving.  Do I have anything to be thankful for this year?  Yes.  I’m thankful for all the wonderful Thanksgivings we’ve had in the past and all wealth of time albeit too brief that I’ve had with my Mother in Law, and all my family and friends.  I’ll be honest though and say I’m not having a great Thanksgiving this year and depending on how life plays out this holiday may forever be tinged with sadness.

But right now I’m sitting in this hospital room with my in-laws.  Actually, I’ve respectfully turned my back while the nurses tend to my Mom and thinking:

This paper gown is too tight, and every time I exhale through this surgical mask my glasses fog up — Mom’s dying from cancer.

This fake wooden door has 95 wood rings on it — Mom’s dying from cancer.

- Orion

It doesn’t happen often. When it does I find myself asking questions that usually start with a single ‘Why?’ that quickly turns into a virtual flash flood of them and today it happened. I rushed from my office exactly when my part of the client coverage schedule ended to the train station just in time to watch it pull away.

Trains don’t take off down the track like NHRA cars. It would be incredibly awesome if they did and just might increase ridership.  Nope.  They pull away from the platform at a tantalizingly slow crawl.  So slow it’s almost a whisper, “Come on.  Run.  You’ll be able to make it.”  Of course doing so is frowned upon and likely one of the reasons the train doors are closed prior to departure.

So there I stood at the end of platform 13, watching the train leave and that first ‘Why?’ crept into my thoughts.  Why didn’t I run?  No, not to try jumping aboard but to get there just a little sooner.  If not a full out run why didn’t I at least rush from my office building to the train station?  Then the flood gates opened and let loose a torrent. My mind went through all the little things that took next to no time at all to do but combined led me to this very moment – not on the train.

Why didn’t I close some programs when I was done with them before shutting down my laptops (yes I use more than one at work)?  Why did I wait for the shutdown to finish before unlocking their security cables?  Why hadn’t I stowed my travel mug when I had finished my eye opening coffee at 10:30?  Why was my iPhone USB charging cord still attached when a) the phone was fully charged and b) not even connected?  All these and many more ‘Why?’s sped through my mind in just a few seconds.  Of them all the only one I had a real answer for was the first because it was the easiest.

Why didn’t I run or rush from my office?  Mind you I was rushing all along to get out of the office and once free of the building itself more than considered not a full out sprint but a measured jog to the station.  I’ve done it before.  I’m sure I could do it again.  I’m positive I could have done it now.  The answer is, well, I’ve got a bum knee paired with a damaged arch and while capable of running the end result would have been one of two scenarios.  I could have run and perhaps made it (remember at the time I had no idea I’d end up watching the train pull away) but would suffer greatly for my actions later that evening and likely for the next 2-3 days for a reward of getting home 20-30 minutes sooner.  The other outcome would be missing the train and left with only the pain ahead.

As for the rest I didn’t have an answer because any one of them I could have and should have seen to sooner or done just a bit differently.  And that’s just it.  It’s the little, seemingly innocuous things that put us in situations we could easily have avoided.  Though we all can look back and point out that one light we missed that made us late it wasn’t the light at all but the things we failed to do in a timely fashion before hitting the road.  It’s those little things in life which we do have control over yet let take control of us.  So, going forward I’ll try harder to see to the little things and so doing won’t find myself standing at the end of the platform watching life’s train slowly pull away.

Looks like they’re announcing my next train.  Since I’m comfortably already here I can relax, walk calmly through Gate B, and really take in the world that surrounds me. Hey, what do you know,  it’s on a different platform too.  Maybe that’s a good sign.

– Orion